Just Jump

I think I'm just going to go ahead and jump into this "new life" that I want.

What has been holding me back? Money and people. But you know what, I'm just going to say fuck it and go for it. Everyone knows that if you are waiting for enough money to do something it will never happen. And I'll just run over the people that are standing in my way. It all may sound a little selfish but people do these thing everyday, so why can't I?

I'm going to go ahead and put my house up for sell, get me the apartment I want in the city I want and if someone doesn't like it, then they can just go to hell!!!

It's my life!

Set Me Free

I want to be set free! Cut the strings that have me tied.

I want to be able to do what I want to, when I want to, how I want to. And I want to be able to do it without someone standing in my way or putting their two cents in. I'm not a child and some people can't seem to accept that. Yes, I'm talking about my parents, but not just my parents because there are more people than just them that are attempting to hold me back as if I don't know how to live my life. I know in my heart what is best for me and my children and that is what I'm going to do.

I wish that these people would just let me go! No one is going to stop me from living my life the way I want to, so why try? Everyone would be a lot happier if they would just back off.

Alone

Do you ever feel alone?

I feel alone and I feel like noone notices me. I feel I'm standing in the middle of a crowded street, screaming at the top of my lungs and everyone just walks on by me not even realizing I'm there.

Would someone please see me!?! I'm right here!

A Bad Feeling

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Started my usual routine as always. Then my day starts to really take off and good things start happening. I received a call from a guy I like, that's always a good thing, and then I receive another phone call that informs me I will be starting work on Wednesday! YAY!!! I proceed with my day feeling really good but then something hits me.

I now am filled with this terrible feeling. The feeling of something bad to come, impending doom, heartache, a nauseating, gut wrenching pain. I have no clue as to what is causing this or what it means.

What I hate about this feeling is that it is usually followed by something not so pleasant. Even worse is that it can take a day or two to develop.

I am hoping and praying that for once I am wrong about this feeling. I don't think I can handle it.

In The Middle

Today I have the feeling of being caught in the middle. Stuck. Caught in between the new and the old. Wanting desperately to move forward and unwilling and refusing to move back. I need to take some new steps in my life but I am unsure of how to do it or where to start.

These are the times when I really miss Angel. I always have the feeling of them being beside me even though it is not physically. Still I wish Angel was here to hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok. To remind me that I am a strong person and can make it through anything life throws at me. I know it's pretty pathetic but I still need it.

Angel also taught me to listen to my heart. I have since learned that listening to your heart is not always the best thing to do. This leads me to another thing I am caught in the middle of. Should I be listening to my heart or to my head? They tell me two very different things and I must figure out which is right.

Maybe someday I will be able to sort out this mess in my life. And maybe someday I will be able to answer all the questions that I have for myself. I hope that I can soon.

Defining Yourself

I mentioned before that I no longer know who I am. I've been thinking about this alot lately. I don't think I ever have or ever will know who I am.

Does anyone truly know who they are? What defines someone as a person?

I have so many ideas of what this could be but I'm not sure what part is right and what part is wrong. Are we all defined by the simple things in life? The friends we have, the clothes we wear, how much money we have, or the jobs that we work? Or are we defined by the qualities that we hold? Our strengths and our faults? Our likes and dislikes? Our feelings and emotions? Our beliefs?

I hope that one day I can figure this out. I am finding it all to be another one of lifes great mysteries.

Fighting Back

Someone is trying to knock my blocks over again. They haven't kicked it over yet but it appears that they are heading my way to do so.

I'm a little confused as to how or if I should fight back. It's hard to just sit there and watch people do things that are mean. When I say mean things I'm talking about things that have no meaning. Things that people do that accomplish nothing for their own being. They only do them for the satisfaction of someone elses misery. Are you suppose to just sit there and watch them do it? Or should you stand up and fight them back? If you fight them back, do you stoop to their level and play their childish games? Or is there some other better way of doing it?

I don't think I can just sit here any longer and watch them do what they do. I want to fight back but I want to do it and walk away being the "bigger man". I'm tired of the games that these people play. Why won't they just leave me alone and let me move on with my life?

That "Thing" Inside

There is something inside of me that needs to come out. The problem is I have no idea exactly what it is or how I'm suppose to get it out. That is one reason why I started this blog, in hopes that maybe I can channel this "thing" out of me. I'm not even sure how I'm suppose to explain this "thing" since I don't know what it is. I constantly have this burning little feeling in my mind and it drives me crazy. It almost feels like whatever it is it can benefit me in some way. Now, how it will benefit me? Maybe it will benefit me in a job or maybe it will be some kind of hobby that will consume me and keep my mind occupied. Because god only knows that I need something to tame my mind. I am a person that thinks too much and it definately can get the best of me. I over think every situation that presents itself and that can always lead to trouble. And trouble always seems to find me.

My Angel

I had a person come into my life. I will call that person Angel because that is what they were. Angel is the one that opened my eyes to how my life was with Steve. It was Angel that looked at me one day and asked me if I was ever happy. My world crumbled at the truth. I couldn't believe it, I was miserable. Why was I so stupid to live my life this way? I used to think I didn't deserve anything good. I didn't think I was a good mother. I apologized for everything that was wrong that I had no control over. If Steve had a bad day at work, I apologized for it and the sad thing is I truly felt like it was my fault.

Angel showed me that I do deserve good things in life, and no matter what, I will always be a good mother, and if I didn't do it then I shouldn't apologize for it. Angel taught me that I was a strong person and that I needed to live life to the fullest. Experience new things and see new places and meet new people.

I am happier about my life now, even though I am going through some tough times. I know it will be ok.

But I am also sad because Angel is no longer apart of my life. It is amazing how one person can change a life so quickly then disappear in to the air like smoke.



Angel,
You will probably never read this, but if you do I want you to know a few things. Thank you for all that you have done for me, I will always love you for it. You gave me new life. I will never forget you and hope that someday we will cross paths again. And I still promise to you that I will never give up.

Building Blocks

This may seem like a strange way to be summing up how I feel about how my life is going.

I feel like a little kid sitting there by myself playing with building blocks. I'm trying to build a big tower, stacking my blocks one by one, trying not to knock them over. Each block representing a different part of my life. Just when I get a good rhythym down and I start making progress, one of those mean kids come and kick my tower down. I hate it. But I just give the mean kid a go to hell look and go back to my work. I don't want to be the type that would run away crying and give up. I'm not saying that I don't shed a few tears when it happens but I'm not going to let anything or anyone stop me. I have to keep moving forward.

I want to truly be happy in life. I want to enjoy every second of it. But it's hard when everyone keeps standing in your way. I can't give up.

My Life In A Nutshell Part 2

I'm just going to pick up where I left off.

After I filed for divorce I started seeing one of my brothers friends. He had been around for some of my first marriage and knew what I had been through. He liked me and was great with my daughter. I'll call him Steve.

I was 18 and Steve was 26. He had a good job and seemed like he knew what he wanted in life. We enjoyed going out and doing things. We always went to his parents on Sunday and everything was going great. My divorce from Ryan was coming to an end and he agreed to sign up all his rights to my daughter because he did not want to have anything to do with her or me and did not want to be financially obligated.

Steve and I are out one day and then it happens. He gets down on his knee and he presents me with a ring and asks me to marry him. I said yes. This time I get to have an actual wedding. I am so excited! We get married, go on a little weekend honeymoon and life is going well.

We move into a little house about 30 minutes from the small town I live in, I don't have to work, bills a getting paid and we are a happy little family. What more could a woman ask for?

My daughter turns two and I want to go to work. I put her into daycare and I find a great job. I start making friends up at work and this is when things just don't seem to be going the way they once were. I worked in an office and so did a couple of other guys. I had no interest in them except as friends, but apparently my husband did not think so. He would make surprise visits to my office and he took me and picked me up from work. When the girls would ask me to go out and have a drink, he made sure I said no.

We move a couple times and money starts getting tight. My parents are really great and would lend us a few bucks when we needed it. We try to get pregnant and after about a year we are successful. The pregnancy does not start off well. This time I can't even get food or fluid into my body. I get severely dehydrated. I am in and out of the hospital getting fluids by IV and I'm not getting any better. All this time I am still working. My doctor sends me to a bigger hospital and I have to have a central line put in my neck for fluids and they start giving me large doses of steroids. Somehow or another I start feeling better and they send me home. We buy a house in the town my parents live in and we move. The rest of the pregnancy goes fair. I never feel good and my blood pressure is border line too high. They induce me with him and this time delivery was not so smooth. He decides he wants to come out waving to the world. He has one arm up by his head and his other shoulder gets stuck. At this point I really don't know what is going on. I only know that I have a nurse pushing on my belly with all of her weight and they are yelling at me to push. Finally he breaks free and I have a healthy baby boy. Later the doctor informs me about what was exactly going on and he said that he was glad that it worked out the way it did. If it hadn't it could have killed me or my baby.

We take our baby home and I quit work. My daughter starts kindergarten and here we go again. I start making new friends. I start talking to this one mom and we become best friends. She is married and a stay-at-home mom too with kids close in age to mine. My husband refuses to meet her husband and try to become friends. Over a period of time he starts saying that I am sleeping with her husband. I had only met her husband a couple times and had no interest in him. Then Steve says that I must be sleeping with my friend, another woman. I don't swing that way.

After almost 5 years of marriage it finally hit me what I was putting up with. I was tired of it and I took the kids and left. So, here I am today. Single mom of two.

Now my current life is not going so good. I must defend myself and say that I never said that Steve was a bad father, in fact he adopted my daughter, he was only a bad husband. Well since I have left him, which was approximately 2 1/2 months ago, he has only seen the kids about 3 times. I have done nothing but encourage him to see them but still he refuses and blames it on me.

I am now looking for a job outside of the hell hole I live in and am not having much luck. Not many people want to hire someone that has not worked in 2 years.

I am trying to keep a positive outlook on my life but have a very hard time in doing so.

My Life In A Nutshell

Ok, so this is my first blog so I think I should introduce myself.

I'm Butterfly and I live in a small Texas town. I'm 24, I have 2 kids and I am currently in the middle of my second divorce. Yeah, I know, it sounds bad. I no longer know who I am or what I want in life. I know I love my kids and they are my wings.

Let me tell you about my past. I'll start from when I was 16.

I meet this guy that I'll call Ryan. He is 16 and has the "bad boy" look to him. We start dating shortly after we meet and we are together almost constantly. He definately is not a great catch but thats ok I'm only 16.

We turn 17.

About six months after we meet I wake up one morning and have to haul ass to the bathroom to puke. Oh shit, I'm must be pregnant! I go to the store and buy a couple of pregnancy test and go over to his house to take them. I take the first one and the first line is there like it should be. But wait, oh no, there is a very faint second line. Ok dont panic. I drink a couple of big glasses of water and we sit around and play cards for awhile. The time comes to take the second test. I go in there pee on the stick and BAM! I hardly could even set it down before both lines appear bright as the sun.

Ok Ryan, what are we going to do? As we discuss the situation we have come up with a plan. He was already signed up for the Navy and was suppose to ship off to basic training in about a month. So we decided to get married before he left and when he got out I would move to where ever he would be stationed. We tell our parents whats going on and they all consent to us getting married so about 2 weeks later we are in the courthouse getting married.

He leaves for basic. I'm laid up on my parents couch and can not keep anything down. I'm weak and miserable. After about 6 weeks of boot camp he finds out he will be stationed in Florida for some more training. I pack up my stuff and my parents move me to Florida to be with him. We find an apartment for me because he has to stay on base. So here I am, 17, pregnant, sick (because I honestly could not keep ANYTHING, food or drink, in me), I know nobody, I'm scared because I never had been so far away from my parents, and he is spending every penny we have. I can't pay my bills and he is fixing to have to move to another part of Florida. I can't afford to move with him so I move back with my parents.

About 5 months pass.

I'm gestational diabetic and the doctor is worried about how big the baby is going to be so she says she will induce my labor a couple weeks early. I tell him the news so he can get the paperwork in order to take a leave for a couple weeks to be with me and the baby. He comes in the evening before I go in to be induced. We wake up the next morning and we are going to be parents. I'm scared. I have a smooth delivery and we have a healthy baby girl.

After two days in the hospital we go home (to my parents). My baby won't sleep for more than an hour at a time. I'm trying to breast feed and she doesn't want it and I'm going nuts. At night he sleeps though her screaming and during the day he is gone doing god knows what. Two weeks later he has to go back to Florida. He is still spending all the money and wants to know when I'm moving down there. I tell him I will soon but I need money.

I turn 18.

I'm sitting there one day with our beautiful girl and my phone rings. It is him. He says there is something he needs to tell me. He goes on to tell me that he has been sleeping with another woman and got caught doing it in the barracks.

We get a divorce.


Stay tuned to here about the second child and second divorce.