Thinking

Where is the off switch to my brain? All I ever do is think. It doesn't matter what I do, there is always a million little thoughts running through my head. I must say that it is rather annoying and troublesome. Often I tend to get stuck on certain thoughts for days. Needless to say this is one of those times.

My current thoughts have been on my life and how it must look to other people. To be honest, I am very happy with where I am. It isn't perfect and it isn't where I always want to be, but I know it will change with time as everything does.

When I put the basics of my life into words, which I assume is how it looks to other people, makes it sound horrible. I'm 24, two kids with two different dads, getting my second divorce, basically living with my boyfriend,and I don't work and don't want to.

Now to put my life into MY words and how I feel about it. I was only 17 when I got pregnant with my first child. At the time, being young, scared and stupid, I felt it was best to get married. It was wrong from the start, never meant to be. Then I get married again and I honestly can't say it was wrong or it wouldn't have lasted 5 years. It ended because he was controlling and I wasn't happy. And after all, you do have to be happy to enjoy life. That is all in the past anyways and I have two beautiful children thanks to all of it. As far as my current life, I don't work because I want to be with my children. I cringe at the thought of having to put them in daycare. Not to mention that it really doesn't pay to work when you have to pay for child care. Basically I do live with my boyfriend, we stay the night with each other every night. Right now we do have separate houses, but I assume that will change in the near future. He is absolutely wonderful. He loves me for me and he loves my children as if they were his own. And as they say, girls fall in love with men like their daddy's. Well, I found him, he is like my dad in so many ways. OK, I'll stop before I get all mushy and sappy about him. But I must say that I do love him with all my heart.

I guess now I should wrap this up with some final words. When it comes down to it, I really don't care what other people think because it is my life and I will live it however I please. We all make mistakes. I love my life and I'm very happy with it. My brain has just been in overdrive and letting it out helps slow it down.

A Friend

All I have ever looked for is a friend. Not a preacher. Not a parent.

Bitchfest

I apologize in advance for this bitchfest I am fixing to have.

First some good news, I finally have a court date for my divorce! The date is set for September 4th. Think about me and celebrate with me that day!

Ok, now on to the bitchfest. Let's start with the soon to be ex. He is such a mother fucking jackass! I had no idea he would be so damn immature about all of this. I wish he would grow up and face his responsibilities. He owes me child support, it looks as though we are fixing to have the house foreclosed on, and damn it, his kids are going to hate him. He refuses to watch them for a few hours if I need a sitter, hell, he won't even call them or answer the damn phone if they call. He didn't bother to see them this past weekend (which was his weekend).

My next issue to bitch about is money. I hate it! Right now beside me sits two bills. One of them is from the electric company, gotta love them! They want their fucking money by the 20th or I'm going to be in the dark. The other one is from the city and they want their fucking money by the 25th or bye bye water. Not to mention that my lawyer is wanting the rest of his money. I could easily keep going on the money issue but I'm not.

Now to vent about whatever is on my mind.

The possible "foreclosing" on my home. I need to start packing, I mean, even if it doesn't get foreclosed on, we agreed to sell. But I have so much shit! I don't even know where to start! And where the hell am I going to move to? I refuse to move in with my parents, after all, I did move out to get away. My boyfriend said me and the kids could move in with him, which I would love to do, but I don't know yet if it would be safe to for the divorce. I will be discussing it with my lawyer.

I feel really really fat. When I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I haven't put on any weight and I know in the past year I have lost a total of 65lbs but I still feel fat. And of course when I get depressed about feeling fat, guess what I do.... that's right, I eat. Stupid isn't it?

I think I have PMS right now. I hope I do anyways. I cannot go through having another kid and I don't think I could go through having another abortion. Say what you will, but I only did it for health reasons.

Ok, I think I'm done bitching for now.