Putting It Into Words

When I say "putting it into words", I mean written words, not spoken. I guess this is one of my major down falls, because I can write my feelings so much better than speaking them.

I was told recently to stop writing how I feel and speak it. Easier said than done.

For one thing, when I speak I feel judged. Like I'm setting on the stand in front of a judge, jury, council, and plenty of onlookers. And "in closing" makes me feel pretty damn uncomfortable. I don't feel like I can express my opinion, or how I feel about whatever the subject is.

But when I write, I feel free. Eventhough the computer is probably smarter than I am (like running spell check when I'm through), it cannot criticize me when I am wrong and cannot praise me when I am right. So if what I am feeling about something is wrong (and most of the time I am and know it, but for what ever reason, it is still what I feel, and I feel need to express it). What is so wrong with that?

OK, this is going places I didn't expect. I apologize in advance.

Well this is leading to friends. In the long run I guess my computer is the best friend I have. And believe me, I'm not looking for sympathy. I know what I have to do to change that.

But to the point in hand, my friends consist of first and foremost my mom. As much as I hate her (for being a mom) I love her soooooo much more. But as being a friend? When I look for advice or simply to vent, I am limited to what I can say. After all she IS my mom and will always be motherly. Which I must say I am very thankful for. But still....

Second comes my boyfriend, which at this point is basically my husband, just not on paper. But come on??? When he is what I want to talk about, how does that work? I'm not unhappy, but all couples, especially women, know what I'm talking about.

Other than that, I have my boyfriends dad. I have already been down that road with my ex's mother. We were best friends, since the divorce we have only talked twice. And yet again, you are limited on what you say.

I don't know

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to figure everything out. And unfortunately to me and those who read it, it is how I do it. So far it is not helping me.

I guess I'm just in denial.