I know I haven't wrote anything in a long time so, I thought I would give an update. Since the last time I wrote my divorce has been finalized. My life is beginning to have some order to it. We have been moving my boyfriend in and I am finally getting my house organized. I have always been a bit of a pack rat and now I'm clearing it out and am going to have a garage sale. The extra cash is always nice and it is a great way to get rid of a bunch of junk.
On a more stressful note, my daughter has been acting out. I believe it is adjusting to my relationship and having a "new man" in the house. Also her dad has a new girlfriend who has three kids of her own, so I'm sure that is contributing to her attitude. I really feel horrible because I don't know how to help her handle all the changes. All I know to do is be there for her when she needs me. Eventually I know my daughter will come around. She really does likes my boyfriend but I think she is jealous of him.
I'm very happy with my life right now and I love my boyfriend with all my heart. He is so perfect. Ok, I won't get all mushy. That's all for now, ttyl!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Thinking
Where is the off switch to my brain? All I ever do is think. It doesn't matter what I do, there is always a million little thoughts running through my head. I must say that it is rather annoying and troublesome. Often I tend to get stuck on certain thoughts for days. Needless to say this is one of those times.
My current thoughts have been on my life and how it must look to other people. To be honest, I am very happy with where I am. It isn't perfect and it isn't where I always want to be, but I know it will change with time as everything does.
When I put the basics of my life into words, which I assume is how it looks to other people, makes it sound horrible. I'm 24, two kids with two different dads, getting my second divorce, basically living with my boyfriend,and I don't work and don't want to.
Now to put my life into MY words and how I feel about it. I was only 17 when I got pregnant with my first child. At the time, being young, scared and stupid, I felt it was best to get married. It was wrong from the start, never meant to be. Then I get married again and I honestly can't say it was wrong or it wouldn't have lasted 5 years. It ended because he was controlling and I wasn't happy. And after all, you do have to be happy to enjoy life. That is all in the past anyways and I have two beautiful children thanks to all of it. As far as my current life, I don't work because I want to be with my children. I cringe at the thought of having to put them in daycare. Not to mention that it really doesn't pay to work when you have to pay for child care. Basically I do live with my boyfriend, we stay the night with each other every night. Right now we do have separate houses, but I assume that will change in the near future. He is absolutely wonderful. He loves me for me and he loves my children as if they were his own. And as they say, girls fall in love with men like their daddy's. Well, I found him, he is like my dad in so many ways. OK, I'll stop before I get all mushy and sappy about him. But I must say that I do love him with all my heart.
I guess now I should wrap this up with some final words. When it comes down to it, I really don't care what other people think because it is my life and I will live it however I please. We all make mistakes. I love my life and I'm very happy with it. My brain has just been in overdrive and letting it out helps slow it down.
My current thoughts have been on my life and how it must look to other people. To be honest, I am very happy with where I am. It isn't perfect and it isn't where I always want to be, but I know it will change with time as everything does.
When I put the basics of my life into words, which I assume is how it looks to other people, makes it sound horrible. I'm 24, two kids with two different dads, getting my second divorce, basically living with my boyfriend,and I don't work and don't want to.
Now to put my life into MY words and how I feel about it. I was only 17 when I got pregnant with my first child. At the time, being young, scared and stupid, I felt it was best to get married. It was wrong from the start, never meant to be. Then I get married again and I honestly can't say it was wrong or it wouldn't have lasted 5 years. It ended because he was controlling and I wasn't happy. And after all, you do have to be happy to enjoy life. That is all in the past anyways and I have two beautiful children thanks to all of it. As far as my current life, I don't work because I want to be with my children. I cringe at the thought of having to put them in daycare. Not to mention that it really doesn't pay to work when you have to pay for child care. Basically I do live with my boyfriend, we stay the night with each other every night. Right now we do have separate houses, but I assume that will change in the near future. He is absolutely wonderful. He loves me for me and he loves my children as if they were his own. And as they say, girls fall in love with men like their daddy's. Well, I found him, he is like my dad in so many ways. OK, I'll stop before I get all mushy and sappy about him. But I must say that I do love him with all my heart.
I guess now I should wrap this up with some final words. When it comes down to it, I really don't care what other people think because it is my life and I will live it however I please. We all make mistakes. I love my life and I'm very happy with it. My brain has just been in overdrive and letting it out helps slow it down.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Bitchfest
I apologize in advance for this bitchfest I am fixing to have.
First some good news, I finally have a court date for my divorce! The date is set for September 4th. Think about me and celebrate with me that day!
Ok, now on to the bitchfest. Let's start with the soon to be ex. He is such a mother fucking jackass! I had no idea he would be so damn immature about all of this. I wish he would grow up and face his responsibilities. He owes me child support, it looks as though we are fixing to have the house foreclosed on, and damn it, his kids are going to hate him. He refuses to watch them for a few hours if I need a sitter, hell, he won't even call them or answer the damn phone if they call. He didn't bother to see them this past weekend (which was his weekend).
My next issue to bitch about is money. I hate it! Right now beside me sits two bills. One of them is from the electric company, gotta love them! They want their fucking money by the 20th or I'm going to be in the dark. The other one is from the city and they want their fucking money by the 25th or bye bye water. Not to mention that my lawyer is wanting the rest of his money. I could easily keep going on the money issue but I'm not.
Now to vent about whatever is on my mind.
The possible "foreclosing" on my home. I need to start packing, I mean, even if it doesn't get foreclosed on, we agreed to sell. But I have so much shit! I don't even know where to start! And where the hell am I going to move to? I refuse to move in with my parents, after all, I did move out to get away. My boyfriend said me and the kids could move in with him, which I would love to do, but I don't know yet if it would be safe to for the divorce. I will be discussing it with my lawyer.
I feel really really fat. When I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I haven't put on any weight and I know in the past year I have lost a total of 65lbs but I still feel fat. And of course when I get depressed about feeling fat, guess what I do.... that's right, I eat. Stupid isn't it?
I think I have PMS right now. I hope I do anyways. I cannot go through having another kid and I don't think I could go through having another abortion. Say what you will, but I only did it for health reasons.
Ok, I think I'm done bitching for now.
First some good news, I finally have a court date for my divorce! The date is set for September 4th. Think about me and celebrate with me that day!
Ok, now on to the bitchfest. Let's start with the soon to be ex. He is such a mother fucking jackass! I had no idea he would be so damn immature about all of this. I wish he would grow up and face his responsibilities. He owes me child support, it looks as though we are fixing to have the house foreclosed on, and damn it, his kids are going to hate him. He refuses to watch them for a few hours if I need a sitter, hell, he won't even call them or answer the damn phone if they call. He didn't bother to see them this past weekend (which was his weekend).
My next issue to bitch about is money. I hate it! Right now beside me sits two bills. One of them is from the electric company, gotta love them! They want their fucking money by the 20th or I'm going to be in the dark. The other one is from the city and they want their fucking money by the 25th or bye bye water. Not to mention that my lawyer is wanting the rest of his money. I could easily keep going on the money issue but I'm not.
Now to vent about whatever is on my mind.
The possible "foreclosing" on my home. I need to start packing, I mean, even if it doesn't get foreclosed on, we agreed to sell. But I have so much shit! I don't even know where to start! And where the hell am I going to move to? I refuse to move in with my parents, after all, I did move out to get away. My boyfriend said me and the kids could move in with him, which I would love to do, but I don't know yet if it would be safe to for the divorce. I will be discussing it with my lawyer.
I feel really really fat. When I look in the mirror all I see is fat. I haven't put on any weight and I know in the past year I have lost a total of 65lbs but I still feel fat. And of course when I get depressed about feeling fat, guess what I do.... that's right, I eat. Stupid isn't it?
I think I have PMS right now. I hope I do anyways. I cannot go through having another kid and I don't think I could go through having another abortion. Say what you will, but I only did it for health reasons.
Ok, I think I'm done bitching for now.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Untitled
I don't want to live my life pleasing everyone around me, but when you find someone special it's hard not to worry about pleasing them.
I have definitely found that someone special. While I am happy with myself and will never change for anyone, I worry everyday that I am going to disappoint this new person in my life. He is perfect in my eyes, everything about him.
I am certainly having one of those moments when my mind is in overdrive and I start to worry about everything. He is laying in bed sleeping, therefore I cannot talk to him about my feelings. It is 2AM and I sit here in a panic state of mind.
Does he truly mean everything he says? Does he really accept me for who I am or does he only see what he wants to see? Those few good things that most people see in a person. Will he eventually try to change me? Does he love me for me or for what he wants me to be?
I can't sleep and tears want to fill my eyes. All I need is reassurance. Why do I do this? I not only feel like I am failing him but I feel like I am failing myself. Going against everything I have said and everything that I honestly believe in. I wish I could save me from myself! Deep down inside I know that I am only driving myself crazy. So, please tell me, why do I do this to myself? Maybe I am just afraid. Afraid of something going right in my life, afraid of something good.
I wish this feeling would just go away! It gets to me slowly and painfully.
I have definitely found that someone special. While I am happy with myself and will never change for anyone, I worry everyday that I am going to disappoint this new person in my life. He is perfect in my eyes, everything about him.
I am certainly having one of those moments when my mind is in overdrive and I start to worry about everything. He is laying in bed sleeping, therefore I cannot talk to him about my feelings. It is 2AM and I sit here in a panic state of mind.
Does he truly mean everything he says? Does he really accept me for who I am or does he only see what he wants to see? Those few good things that most people see in a person. Will he eventually try to change me? Does he love me for me or for what he wants me to be?
I can't sleep and tears want to fill my eyes. All I need is reassurance. Why do I do this? I not only feel like I am failing him but I feel like I am failing myself. Going against everything I have said and everything that I honestly believe in. I wish I could save me from myself! Deep down inside I know that I am only driving myself crazy. So, please tell me, why do I do this to myself? Maybe I am just afraid. Afraid of something going right in my life, afraid of something good.
I wish this feeling would just go away! It gets to me slowly and painfully.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Life
We should all live our lives with absolutely no regrets. Like everyone else, there are things in my past that I have and haven't done that I don't like, but I recently have come to figure out I will truly never regret any moment of it. The things that were wrong have only made me stronger and without the wrong I wouldn't be the person I am today.
Sometimes we all need to stop and take a step back. Look at the big picture of our lives, then study the details. It's amazing! Everything you do is a chain reaction and you can even find those links you thought were missing. The ugly will suddenly become beautiful in its own unique way. You will come to be at peace with yourself if you just take the time to observe where your life has taken you.
I still don't completely know who I am as a person or where my life is going to take me but I've figured out that I never will and that's okay. Life is an ever changing journey. So lets go with it and have fun on the way.
Sometimes we all need to stop and take a step back. Look at the big picture of our lives, then study the details. It's amazing! Everything you do is a chain reaction and you can even find those links you thought were missing. The ugly will suddenly become beautiful in its own unique way. You will come to be at peace with yourself if you just take the time to observe where your life has taken you.
I still don't completely know who I am as a person or where my life is going to take me but I've figured out that I never will and that's okay. Life is an ever changing journey. So lets go with it and have fun on the way.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Life Is Great!
Well, I lost my job because I called in sick. It was only a temp job, so, who cares? I don't! There are other things out there.
As usual, not all things are going right in my life, but for once I just don't care. I'm happy! Just when I thought I had things figured out and I thought I knew what I wanted to do, someone walks into my life and turns it upside down. Now I don't know if I want to move or not, I don't know what kind of job I want. Hell! I'm confused, but I could not be any happier and more at ease than I am right now.
I don't know what my future holds, but I'm buckled in and ready for the ride! I feel like I've been set free!!!
As usual, not all things are going right in my life, but for once I just don't care. I'm happy! Just when I thought I had things figured out and I thought I knew what I wanted to do, someone walks into my life and turns it upside down. Now I don't know if I want to move or not, I don't know what kind of job I want. Hell! I'm confused, but I could not be any happier and more at ease than I am right now.
I don't know what my future holds, but I'm buckled in and ready for the ride! I feel like I've been set free!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
