Just Jump

I think I'm just going to go ahead and jump into this "new life" that I want.

What has been holding me back? Money and people. But you know what, I'm just going to say fuck it and go for it. Everyone knows that if you are waiting for enough money to do something it will never happen. And I'll just run over the people that are standing in my way. It all may sound a little selfish but people do these thing everyday, so why can't I?

I'm going to go ahead and put my house up for sell, get me the apartment I want in the city I want and if someone doesn't like it, then they can just go to hell!!!

It's my life!

Set Me Free

I want to be set free! Cut the strings that have me tied.

I want to be able to do what I want to, when I want to, how I want to. And I want to be able to do it without someone standing in my way or putting their two cents in. I'm not a child and some people can't seem to accept that. Yes, I'm talking about my parents, but not just my parents because there are more people than just them that are attempting to hold me back as if I don't know how to live my life. I know in my heart what is best for me and my children and that is what I'm going to do.

I wish that these people would just let me go! No one is going to stop me from living my life the way I want to, so why try? Everyone would be a lot happier if they would just back off.

Alone

Do you ever feel alone?

I feel alone and I feel like noone notices me. I feel I'm standing in the middle of a crowded street, screaming at the top of my lungs and everyone just walks on by me not even realizing I'm there.

Would someone please see me!?! I'm right here!

A Bad Feeling

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Started my usual routine as always. Then my day starts to really take off and good things start happening. I received a call from a guy I like, that's always a good thing, and then I receive another phone call that informs me I will be starting work on Wednesday! YAY!!! I proceed with my day feeling really good but then something hits me.

I now am filled with this terrible feeling. The feeling of something bad to come, impending doom, heartache, a nauseating, gut wrenching pain. I have no clue as to what is causing this or what it means.

What I hate about this feeling is that it is usually followed by something not so pleasant. Even worse is that it can take a day or two to develop.

I am hoping and praying that for once I am wrong about this feeling. I don't think I can handle it.

In The Middle

Today I have the feeling of being caught in the middle. Stuck. Caught in between the new and the old. Wanting desperately to move forward and unwilling and refusing to move back. I need to take some new steps in my life but I am unsure of how to do it or where to start.

These are the times when I really miss Angel. I always have the feeling of them being beside me even though it is not physically. Still I wish Angel was here to hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok. To remind me that I am a strong person and can make it through anything life throws at me. I know it's pretty pathetic but I still need it.

Angel also taught me to listen to my heart. I have since learned that listening to your heart is not always the best thing to do. This leads me to another thing I am caught in the middle of. Should I be listening to my heart or to my head? They tell me two very different things and I must figure out which is right.

Maybe someday I will be able to sort out this mess in my life. And maybe someday I will be able to answer all the questions that I have for myself. I hope that I can soon.

Defining Yourself

I mentioned before that I no longer know who I am. I've been thinking about this alot lately. I don't think I ever have or ever will know who I am.

Does anyone truly know who they are? What defines someone as a person?

I have so many ideas of what this could be but I'm not sure what part is right and what part is wrong. Are we all defined by the simple things in life? The friends we have, the clothes we wear, how much money we have, or the jobs that we work? Or are we defined by the qualities that we hold? Our strengths and our faults? Our likes and dislikes? Our feelings and emotions? Our beliefs?

I hope that one day I can figure this out. I am finding it all to be another one of lifes great mysteries.

Fighting Back

Someone is trying to knock my blocks over again. They haven't kicked it over yet but it appears that they are heading my way to do so.

I'm a little confused as to how or if I should fight back. It's hard to just sit there and watch people do things that are mean. When I say mean things I'm talking about things that have no meaning. Things that people do that accomplish nothing for their own being. They only do them for the satisfaction of someone elses misery. Are you suppose to just sit there and watch them do it? Or should you stand up and fight them back? If you fight them back, do you stoop to their level and play their childish games? Or is there some other better way of doing it?

I don't think I can just sit here any longer and watch them do what they do. I want to fight back but I want to do it and walk away being the "bigger man". I'm tired of the games that these people play. Why won't they just leave me alone and let me move on with my life?